musings

In high school, I thought of sexual orientation as a set of polar opposites: either one was homosexual or one was heterosexual-north pole and south pole. I've always been supportive of gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual and other sexual orientations--I'm the aberrant in my conservative family, thanks to my liberal American education. In any case, my concept of sexual orientation was rigid and inflexible, and I of course was doubtlessly heterosexual.

Once I came to college, however, I discovered that sexual orientation is not black or white, nor fixed and rigid. Sexual orientation is fluid, located on a wide spectrum. Because we each of us are so different, the composition of our sexual orientation is also individualistic. I have learned to think in relative terms--a homosexual person may have certain hetersexual tendencies and vice versa.

So the point of my post? Yesterday, Maylen and I were discussing this question of sexuality, and I thought of myself. I still think of myself as heterosexual, and I know I am very attracted to men (As my roommates will attest, *chuckles*). But how to explain my penchant for developing "crushes" on girls/women who I admire? Oh yes I've joked about these crushes, both on blog and in person, but in a sense, it's not really a joke...

There are some women that I could spend hours looking at, talking to and experiencing more than just a normal feeling of friendship for. It's not the sexual or romantic love that people of opposite sex have for each other--it's more a pure, platonic, nonsexual emotion based on respect and admiration. There was actually a NY Times article on this last fall, and I wish I'd kept it. It discussed how women do develop "crushes" on other women--it's not sexual, but a mutual attraction that is difficult to define by our prefabricated, rather stiff societal perceptions.

I have felt this "attraction" towards more than a few women-I can't explain it, but every semester, I have at least 1-2 girl crushes, as my roommates will also attest to. Like many people, I'm not at either end of the sexual orientation spectrum--extremes are never good in any case anyway.

It's funny, because I asked myself yesterday while talking to Maylen whether I would consider dating a woman. I think that would be such an interesting experience--certainly I wouldn't do it just for the novelty, but it's fascinating to think about. I definitely feel attracted physically to men, so I'm not sure that would ever work out.

So the purpose of this ramble was just for myself to realize how I've opened up in the realm of tolerating and considering sexual orientations. It's truly a complex and interesting topic.

If only there were as many men out there who were on par with the excellent women I know.